Sunday, November 10, 2013

The Parent Trap

My father by blood relation's had the same name as Ronald and I am just stuck. If I follow the paper trail my conception was in Burbank, LA California 1976. The woman that contacted me was extremely hesitant claiming my birthright like some kind of being? It was expressed in a way that was empty and that just isn't enough for me. The story line was possible but it didn't match up either, cigarette burns on my skin turned into just one. My questions I had for her she just couldn't seem to know, not even a soul.
My Godmother Betty Mathers I remember rather well, her voice especially and the story about Sarah. I have been searching for answer's and in my guilt repressed the memory of Marshal so far back in my brain I just couldn't remember. A repressed memory is a condition where a memory has been unconsciously blocked by an individual due to the high level of stress or trauma contained in that memory. My memory of him as kids are glim but not all bad until bed time which I again feel like a possible monster. It is unexplainable how so young even I could have been so mean to Marshal was it because of abuse? my cigarette burns on my body? I was only a baby.
Part of me just thinks my dad changed the names on my paperwork so latter on after it was explained to me I would be doomed. In wonderment of why would my own dad do this to me I can think of so many reasons why. number 1. I was a total bitch to raise. 2. my burn marks 3. his adultery habit 4. obsession with gullible beauty, meaning a woman who believed his bullshit lies.
My life has been cut in half for most of my days, lived in two completely different places being Hawaii and Missouri, my mom and dad met in California at work. I'd imagine the golf course was the main drag which impressed my dad it was his favorite pastime sport. he worshiped the ground she walked because she remained a virgin up until she was ready. At the time he was caught fooling around with some other women we lived in Fresno for a year her hometown.
Halloween day in Fresno.

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